btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
