i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
