Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
