He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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