Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
