dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
