Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
do nipples grow back?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
