went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
