So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize