Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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