I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I think I sprained my soul last night
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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