We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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