I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
