I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
