We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
