Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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