i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
