i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
