Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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