And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize