i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
