At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
