i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
