called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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