dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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