some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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