I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
