If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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