I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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