someone threw a dead crab at me
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Green mimosas i think yes
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
