I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
