Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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