I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Every concussion has its silver lining
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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