you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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