Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
