You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
