oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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