Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
