I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
