My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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