Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
