I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
