naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
