I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
