just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
