Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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