Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
