What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
