I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
