Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
