i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
It's just like the Real World with babies
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
