I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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