my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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