The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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