There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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