Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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