Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
