i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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