went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Hippo gnu deer
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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