someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
