hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
