I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
