Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
