My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
