I wish I could punch you in the face.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize