Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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