Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
